Fathers, want to foster a culture of listening at home? Try this...

Each family has its own unique culture. Each individual adds to the culture of the family. Your family culture is made of lots of different aspects, the country you are born, the origins of your parents/grandparents, the extended ancestral history, wider culture, religion/non-religion, aspirations, the extended family, friends, lifestyle, neighbourhood, jobs, careers, schools, food you eat, things you do together etc etc the list is extensive. Each culture is unique, each family is unique, each person in the family is unique, there are similarities but often the ‘norms’ are unique. 

 

Each parent, in turn comes from a separate family that had and has its own unique culture and often it is not until you start parenting, i.e., when you first child is born, that we begin to see the extent to which these cultures can clash. One parent’s approach to family can be very different to the other parent’s approach to family. There can be so much that compares and contrasts from each family set up. This creates quite a lot of pressure on family.

 

With all the pressure on family and parenting it can become challenging to know what is the right thing to do? There are many challenges daily, to be a ‘good’ parent or a ‘good’ child. What is good anyway? How do we define good? There is a lot to contend with.

 

I have found that the simplest and best way to define what is good for your family is to foster a culture of listening. A culture of explaining. We all want to be heard, we all want to be considered and we all want to be valued. Children and parents. 

 

For me a culture of listening is where each person is prepared to listen to themselves. 

 

Given direction and space to explore themselves. A culture that encourages each individual to learn about their own needs. How to identify their needs. To understand the difference between a need and a want. To understand the difference between a healthy desire and an unhealthy one. To learn to express their needs in a way that is constructive. 

 

What is a healthy expression of anger and frustration? Tantrums in young children are healthy. Tantrums in adults are also healthy. How do we express these things without being destructive? 

 

The answer for this one is what I call micro-expressions or micro-venting. We only need to find 5 minutes a day to micro-vent, we can do this in private. Using this technique, we can avoid big explosive outbursts. Through regular practice we cultivate this into a routine, eventually becoming habit. Once it is a habit it can become a reflex, and this is the destination. To have emotional management as and when we need it. To be able to identify the signs of needing it then applying it in a healthy way.

 

First, we need to create a daily routine of expression, there are various ways you can do this, I find screaming into a pillow, loudly or quietly depending on your household works for most. It might feel a little silly at first but once you give it a go you will feel the difference immediately. Focus on the source of your anger and let it out, aggressively. Put maximum effort into a short burst. Try it a few times until you feel you have emptied out your emotion.

 

Practicing this technique prevents a build-up of those repressed emotions that lead to arguments and tantrums. Creating this simple routine for everyone, will help foster a calmer, peaceful, less disrupted home environment. Expressing repressed feelings help avoid the build-up of anxiety and potentially depression. This micro venting exercise helps support a healthier mental attitude and by default your immune system.  The benefits are profound.

 

Your home starts to become a safe space for everyone. There is a closeness and bonding that is shared through the experience. A home where everyone is expressing their anger in a healthy way makes room for more joy. 

Through learning to identify the source of our anger, we are also learning to identify our emotional state and act. This is the beginning of building a healthier understanding of who we are and how we can take care of ourselves, emotionally, mentally and physically. We are creating a deeper self-awareness and understanding. We are teaching ourselves how to better manage ourselves. Making it easier to understand who we are and what we want. We are learning how to express ourselves in healthy ways. The biggest challenge for anyone is to express the darker aspects of our nature.

 

When we take ownership of the darker aspects of ourselves, we are learning to be responsible for our thoughts, our emotions and our actions, in a positive and constructive way. A holistic approach to self. This is the key to successful living. The route to self-realisation and self-actualisation.

 

Micro-venting is one example of how elite athletes’ manager their anger and frustration in matches. Think of the tennis, the player yells, screams or grunts to vent. It helps them reclaim their focus by expressing their anger in microbursts. They can better manage their performance by managing their emotions. Your emotions are often the key to your personal success.

 

So, begin today, tomorrow or this weekend. Ask for the support of your family, get everyone involved. There will be some reluctance and resistance, so patience and persistence are key. Be kind to yourself and to the rest of the family. Discuss why it's important beforehand and discuss afterwards how it makes you feel. You will see and feel the benefits immediately. This feeling grows over time. You can grow together. 

 

Once this new technique becomes a habit you could find yourself needing micro vents throughout the day. That's great, you have taught yourself a successful way of dealing with your darker emotions. One more step toward successful self-management and personal success.

 

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